Dear Sarah…

I debated whether or not I should publish this on my blog. Then, it came to my mind that writing is my passion. It’s something I love to do and Sarah knew it and loved that I wrote too. So, I knew there was no better way for me to share my love for my beautiful little sister.

Dear Sarah,

Your twitter bio once said, “She wants to change the world and you know what? She just might do it.”

Well, my love, you did it.

Over 10,500 followers, thousands of shirts sold, numerous hearts turned purple and now, many tears fall.

The Crane Crew before Sarah started chemo and I left for school.

The day I left for school in August, I felt so guilty. I didn’t know how I was going to not only leave you, but mom, dad, Ally and Jenna. I thought I was being selfish and that maybe you’d be angry at me because I wasn’t there to help you all the time. I was wrong & you proved that to me. I know you held on for me to drive home and we all be together.

You didn’t have to, but you did.

I won’t forget looking into your beautiful brown eyes one last time. Never ever.

Sarah, do you know how much you accomplished in your fifteen years of life? I feel sorry for people who didn’t know the healthy you, just the sick one. Your spirit was still the same, but they only got a glimpse of you.

The Sarah whose smile could light up a whole room in a second.

The Sarah who could make anyone laugh.

Seriously though, all I can think about is how you would randomly break out in dance moves or random facts.

The Sarah whose positive outlook helped renew another’s attitude.

You simply loved life and loved sharing your life with others.

Sarah and one of her best friends over Spring Break 2013.

I know, I know, if you were here right now you’d be frustrated and annoyed that I was getting so upset.

But I keep thinking about what we didn’t get the chance to do.

I didn’t get the chance to watch you get all dressed up for your proms like you did for mine. You helped me numerous times with my nails and hair…I wish I could do yours.

Me, Sarah & Ally for Prom 2013

I don’t get the chance to have you in my wedding or have you there when I have my first baby. I know you will be…I  wish I could see your face or hear the jokes I’m sure you would tell.

And all I can think about is how as a big sister, I’m supposed to protect you. I’m supposed to stop the bully from hurting you. I’m so sorry I couldn’t stop it this time. This nasty, nasty bully.

But don’t worry, Sarah, I’m not full of complete sadness because I know you’re there thinking, “Seriously guys, don’t worry about me.”

I’m not worried at all. You’re in the greatest place possible and I can’t even imagine how beautiful it is. It became even more perfect when you arrived.

Isaiah 40:29-31 keeps comforting me:

“He gives strength to the weary 
and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord
 will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

I can see you running again. Seriously, like miles and miles. I can visualize you playing ball with Reno again and it makes me smile.

I can also look back on the memories we shared. I remember you being born and thinking, “Sweet! I don’t have just one new baby sister, but TWO!” Oh goodness, you were so tiny. While mom was probably panicking at the thought of dealing with four very young girls, I was rejoicing in the fact that I now had three sisters to call my best friends.

I remember Ally and I strapping you and Jenna to the toy box lid and pushing you down the stairs as if you were sledding. I knew you would always crash into the wall, but it was so fun. I remember your gymnastic days and how we would always go to Buffalo Wild Wings before or after and play trivia.

I remember the numerous summer days spent by the pool and the cold, winter days as we would try to snowboard down the hill with our sleds.

You were so fearless.

Ugh and how I remember the days of how dirty you were. Seriously, you would play in the dirt and attempt to eat the rocks. Everyone called you pigpen, like the one from Charlie Brown.

Then somehow, you became a beautiful young lady. You were perfect.

And so yes, I am happy because you are healed and you are not suffering.

But gosh, as a human I am selfish and therefore I am upset because you can’t be healed with us.

I  wish I could hear you laugh again.

I know you’ll always be with me. So, as you requested I will finish these finals strong. Especially since I know you will be looking right over my shoulder. I won’t let you down.

I just miss you so much. And I guess I’m confused because if God wanted to use you so bad as an example, why couldn’t he just let you live a little longer to teach others? I’ll find out the answer some day.

No matter what, we will always be the fabulous four Crane girls. We will always be dad’s “crackers.”  There will ALWAYS  be six of us in the Crane Crew.

& now, Sarah, you are my angel.

I love you so much.

I can’t wait to see you again, Sloppy Jo.

A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life.